1. The First Joke
The worst show of the 90s clearly had to start with the worst joke of the 90s, and it only took five seconds for the joke to be made:
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Yup, that was seriously written into the script: “The baby is sleeping like a baby.” Oh yeah, and the episode is called the lamest possible name: Our Very First Show
2. Stupid Conflicts
The show has literally no conflicts. Just look at some of the episode titles and descriptions, as provided by IMDb:
The Miracle of Thanksgiving: It’s a turkey of a day when everyone teams up to prepare the Thanksgiving feast
Mad Money: Joey’s mother gives him an old savings bond. He tries to pay Danny back an eleven-year-old loan, but Danny refuses. Meanwhile, Jesse has a gig as an Elvis impersonator
Pal Joey: Joey and Danny recall the day they first met
Spellbound: Stephanie participates in a spelling bee
The Trouble with Danny: Danny is overzealous about spring-cleaning
Come Fly with Me: Stephanie and Michelle stow away on a plane to New Zealand
My Left and Right Foot: Michelle, frets about the size of her feet, after DJ and Kimmy were teasing her, at the shoe store
Here’s my question: what were you tuning in for? What was the issue? I’m so glad Saget and company addressed the gut-wrenching problems brought about by spelling bees, savings bonds, and spring-cleaning. I won’t even mention the fact that Stephanie and Michelle stowed themselves away on a plane in an actual episode…
3. The Studio Audience
Every studio audience is sort of terrible, but they must have brought out people with the absolute lowest standards to sit through a Full House taping. That’s not even the worst of it. These people were pretty into it. They would cheer for just about anything. Let’s not forget what they would do anytime somebody kissed on the show:
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It’s like nobody in the studio audience had ever seen anybody kiss before or, for that matter, had ever heard any sort of joke ever. Even if they told me to laugh I don’t think I could have done it.
4. The Music
Yeah, I get it. You love the theme song. But if we’re gonna be real, the theme song is basically a nightmare. I can promise you, the last thing you’d ever want is to see Bob Saget pretending to be happy “everywhere you look.” 
But that’s not the worst of it. The music in the show is God-awful. Just as frequently as the crowd freaked out, there was an emotional scene where stupid music played in the background. No, the script wasn’t good enough for you to know that you should be sad. No, the acting wasn’t good enough for you to know that you should be sad. They basically had to put up flashing neon lights telling you when you should feel sad, like here:
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5. Bob Saget
What the hell was Bob Saget doing on this show? Just look at some of his recent tweets: 
This man could literally be the raunchiest comedian ever and he will be forever remembered as the overbearing, ultra-conservative, germaphobic, archetypal, perfect television father. But let’s not forget those equally perfect acting skills:
[embedplusvideo height=”350″ width=”450″ editlink=”http://bit.ly/1r9QgBe” standard=”http://www.youtube.com/v/8qp4WJiUeTc?fs=1&start=147&vq=hd720″ vars=”ytid=8qp4WJiUeTc&width=450&height=350&start=147&stop=175&rs=w&hd=1&autoplay=0&react=1&chapters=¬es=” id=”ep5594″ /]
6. John Stamos
That stupid band… 
That stupid motorcycle… 
That stupid mullet… 
Need I say more?
7. Dave Coulier
Two annoying men weren’t enough, so they had to add another! Please tell me that I wasn’t the only person creeped out by this guy? He did strange impressions, lived alone in the basement, and had a puppet…yes, a puppet. Please ‘cut it out’ Uncle Joey…please.
8. Gimmicks
Anytime “Full House” did anything that was remotely cute, funny, or interesting they had to do it again and again because they literally had nothing else to do:
Twins: No, having the Olson twins sharing a role wasn’t enough ‘cute’ for this show. Of course Uncle Jessie had to have twins too. I’m surprised they didn’t make Joey asexually reproduce some twins to make the studio audience say “awwwww” a few hundred more times.
Dads: Not one dad. Not two dads. But three dads. We already discussed this, but seriously? I dare you to add another male figure to this show, Jeff Franklin. Feminists should have been all over this male-dominated chauvinism.
Special Guests: Yeah, it was pretty cool when the Beach Boys made an appearance, but then they had to bring them back three or four times. And if they didn’t suck all of the juice out of that gimmick already, they had to bring on Little Richard and Franki Valli for an episode each.
Animals: Trying to add to the ‘cute factor,’ this show got more animals unnecessarily involved than Noah did with his ark: Comet the dog, Bubba the turtle, Scruffy the pig, a donkey, a horse, Martin the Goldfish, Freddy the Goldfish (Martin’s replacement), and whatever we referred to as Stamos’s hair
9. The Ending
Because Jeff Franklin – the wonderful creator of this show – managed to start his ‘masterpiece’ with the worst possible joke, there was no better way to end it than with one of the worst endings in all of television history.
I’ll give you the run down. First the nonissue: Stephanie is performing in Romeo and Juliet and she’s nervous about the kiss or something stupid. Secondly, DJ needs to deal with the riveting issue of finding date for the prom. (Don’t worry her boyfriend Steve miraculously comes back at the end after Kimmy – who provides another reason why this show should not be watched – tries to set her up with a bunch of nerds.) Lastly, Michelle falls off of her horse, gets amnesia, and can’t remember anything.
This does in fact seem like a legitimate issue but don’t let Jeff Franklin fool you. We should feel joy for Michelle because she was given the gift of not having to remember anything about the last eight seasons, but I digress. Then in Part Two – yes, they had the nerve to break this episode into two parts – in a stupid attempt to get both Olsen sisters on screen at once, (note: the show’s final gimmick) Michelle’s memory speaks to her.
Then lo and behold, Michelle’s memory comes back, DJ’s boyfriend comes back to take her to the prom, Stephanie kisses Romeo, and everything is all right again. Take a look for yourself: Also, I should note that Joey and Uncle Jessie were up to a bunch of stupid crap in this episode that I refuse to even get in to…
I leave you with a much more morose, alternate ending that a YouTuber provides, which sadly may have been better than what actually happened:
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