10 Stupidest Jokes You’ll Hear Today

1. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

 

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Virgin Mobile

 

2. A man is charged with a felony…

 

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The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:

“It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don’t think I’ll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.

Much love,

Father”

The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:

“DON’T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It’s where I buried the evidence!!!”

Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father’s house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man’s letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch… But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:

“Looks like we’ll be having tomatoes next year after all!”

 

3. Three Plumbers walk into a bar…

 

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They ask the bartender, “You really need three plumbers?”

“Oh I’m quite sure.” said the bartender. “Go see if you can unclog the toilet in the women’s washroom. My female customers are all leaving ’cause they got no place to go.”

“Alright then” quipped one of the plumbers and off they went.

From in the bathroom there were plunging noises, rattles, bangs, and so on. This went on for about 30 minutes when the plumbers returned and the first one said “There’s no way that toilet will unclog. We’ve got no idea what’s stuck in there, but it ain’t coming out.”

Just then, the queen was passing by outside in her carriage. It seemed that the quail she had eaten earlier wasn’t getting along with her digestive tract. While using a public bathroom was quite uncouth for a person of royalty, her bowels could care less. So she ran into the pub, straight to the bathroom. Everyone was in shock at the sight of the queen running through, and nobody warned her of the toilet’s state. The whole pub was silent until the sound of the toilet flushing came out from behind the door. The queen soon emerged, addressed her subjects, and was on her way.

The three plumbers looked dumbfounded. They checked the bathroom and the toilet was working fine. The large one asked “How on earth did she get the crapper to work?” Old Paddy sitting at the end of the bar piped up: “Don’t ya know? Three of a kind can’t beat a royal flush!”

 

4. Did you hear about the man with five penises?

 

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Condom fit like a glove

 

5. What do you call two gay irishmen?

 

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Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

 

6. What do you call a Muslim on an airplane?

 

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A passenger, you racist fuck.

 

7. I don’t think Hillary Clinton would make a good President.

 

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Last time she had a job she outsourced it to Monica.

 

8. What’ s E.T. short for?

 

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Because he’s got little legs

 

9. A dog walks in to a telegraph office…

 

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Puts $1 on the counter and says: “Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof”

The operator says to the dog “Its $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?”

The dog then says “But then that wouldn’t make any sense!”

 

10. A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walk in to a bar…

 

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The bartender says ” Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here”.

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